Fail Friday: Sex Addiction

It’s Fail Friday and there’s no better way to start the weekend then taking a look at this weeks epitome of fail with Allan Gungormez, a man fluent in sarcasm and a day to day observer of life lameness.

This weeks fail goes out to the quickly spreading epidemic affectionately known as sex addiction. For those of you who don’t know, sex addiction is what men claim when they have been caught cheating on their wives with multiple women. The key here is multiple women. If you get caught cheating on your lady with simply one other women you are completely unable to claim this ailment. Instead you are seen as pig and will permanently have your name tarnished in a public directory accessible to all women tracking cheaters. The lesson here guys is to go big or go home. The more women that you are caught having sex with the more sympathy you will receive from those around you because you are “sick.” Another thing to remember is that you can’t only sleep with hot girls. Look at the women that Tiger Woods slept with: hot, hot, hot, ugly, hot, mediocre, hot, hot. It’s important to sleep with an ugly girl or two because it shows that all you really wanted was the sex and that you didn’t care whether or not she was a playboy model. Let’s have a sample argument as to how this works out:

“All you wanted to do was go out and screw hotter girls than me you dick!”

“Babe, that’s not the case, look at this one, she’s ugly, I just needed sex.”

“Oh my god, you just happened to encounter nothing but hot women when most of these episodes happened, I see now your sick.”

Once everyone knows of your problem you will immediately address your friends and family letting them know that you will be heading to an upscale country club to seek medical attention. Of course you’ll call up your close guy friends and tell them to act like they never knew anything about what you were doing. If they acted like they knew your wife or girlfriend would never let you hang out with those guys again. Remind them to practice their surprised faces and judgmental glares and prepare to act sad at the disapproval of your peers. What goes on behind these doors is pure speculation, but sources point to so much sex that you’ll never want to sleep with multiple women again, unless, god forbid, you have a relapse. For extremists out there, an age old remedy for sex addiction has already been implemented for a long time in dogs, it’s called neutering and it works. Have you ever seen a dog with no balls that wanted to have sex? Nope.

You may ask, what causes sex addiction in men? Southpark recently suggested that an Alien Sorcerer hidden in a government building was casting spells over men. While that seemed likely, the shocking truth is that it’s caused by hormones and we all have them. Yes, that’s right, everyone runs the risk of sex addiction. Celebrities have recently been so kind as to shine the spot light on this age old problem and show women that it’s not just the everyday man.

Look, this shit is stupid. How can anyone really sit here and claim sex addiction when they are insanely rich and famous? Somehow this problem never took place in your life until you were married and loaded? If you are one of the few people who buy into this sex addiction claim, I applaud you for being so naïve and believing that this actually exists. If you’re a man, remember, nobody believes you’re a sex addict unless you insanely famous, if you aren’t, your just a guy waiting to be caught. If you happen to own a Sex Addiction clinic, congratulations for opening up an upscale country club and providing some legitimacy for a popular excuse. As a matter of fact I suggest you plan in advance, add a golf course immediately so once this crap blows over you can rebrand yourself as an upscale putting paradise. The clock is ticking before the world realizes this is a bunch of crap, so what are you waiting for A list celebrities and guys thinking they are smooth enough to get away with this? Get addicted!