Adventures in Social Media: Creepy Dudes Don’t Want Me

Adventures in Social Media encompasses a series of recurring posts about all things social media from the perspective of a gal who likes to keep all her profiles private.

When I first decided to do this whole eHarmony biz, I thought it would be a great way to get my rocks off by meeting random creepers and writing about how lame they are. After becoming a member for a couple of weeks, I started to soften a bit and I started to ask myself why it took me so long to get on this thing. I mean, who wouldn’t want dudes to message you telling you that your picture makes them smile?

No one right? Well, I knew it was too good to be true. Aside from the cool little “icebreakers” and eHarmony communications that I get, I quickly learned (to my detriment) that there’s a little feature called “close match”. See, eHarmony thought of EVERYTHING. Since the site is mainly based on the lengthy questionnaire that you fill out when you first sign up, and the super secret eHarmony algorithm for you to get your matches, there has to be a way for members to get rid of the losers that they don’t really want to be matched up with. I mean, out of the 56 matches that eHarmony found for me I am only actually interested in four. So what do you do with the other 52? Well you close those matches!

I wish I can say that I found out about this feature because I am just too popular to sift through all these matches. I found out because a very funky looking, but direct guy decided to close our match. I guess I popped up as one of his matches, and instead of clamoring to send me an icebreaker saying, “Your smile brightens my day!”, he instead decided to close our match. After which, I received a message that this douche from San Diego has decided to end our communication. The best thing about it is, the reason why he closed it is because “our distance is too great and I want a match that looks more down-to-earth.” There it is folks! I got denied because I am too far north of the I-5 and because I’m a cocky jerk? Well Mr. San Diego, if I didn’t just skim through your lame profile with a picture of you on a hammock, I would have decided to close our match too. Why? Because I don’t want to date a loser that takes pictures of himself in front of a rented Chrysler 300, no matter what you say about it looking like a Bentley.